asorrystate

 i don't care, i don't care, I do not fucking care.

 I am so stressed about college and that's all I can think about and ahhhh

I am pushing myself deeper and deeper into a very bad hole of nothingness because I'm not doing work because I'm distracting myself from possible breakdowns. This is a complicated process that I'll explain when I'm not freaking out.

Short summary of my life:
I. fucking. love. the. boy. He's the only other thing I think about.
At the same time, I am a horny teenager, and I really need to be taken care of physically by someone other than myself. Anyone attractive will do. In particular, there's an adorable boy who drums with me (/rocks out on the xylophone) in band. He's casually a sophomore but we'll ignore that as he may be taking me to Spring Awakening. (fuck yes!)
I am sucking at commenting on people's entries/responding to comments on my own. I read them all, I swear, and I will comment soon. And by soon, I probably mean January, so I'm sorry.

 Reason five million and two why the boy makes me hot: He can dance.

And I mean, like, taking dancing classes and performing in front of an audience dancing. Though I can testify that he can dance as well. (I enjoyed homecoming this year :P) I just came back from his show, and gah. Every time he came on stage I melted. I love watching him excel at things. The trumpet, dancing, crew, school... sarcastic boys achieving things turns me on.

After the show I hung out with his mom a bit. HIs mom is one of the single coolest people I know. His entire family is bloody awesome, come to think of it. It's the only family I'd even begin to consider marrying into; I wish I could just adopt them now. 

I spent 7 hours outside in the cold yesterday for band and it sucked. On a social level, though, it was fun, and we sent mass amounts of texts to the boy and called him since he was missing the football game for his dance stuff. 

 I fail at posting, I know. But I have been super stressed in school this week. And yesterday I fell in love with another college. Dammit.

I cannot stop thinking about the boy and it is such a fucking problem. I want him so badly, not just physically but emotionally and intellectually. He has a damn sexy mind.

 I really really fucking hate tonight. I was going to make it okay. But then Jonathan started being all self deprecating and I really want to help him but I don't know how. All night long, I have been waiting for Audrey to sign on because she's really the only person that makes my life okay without trying and then as soon as she signs on I think I fucking said something wrong and she just says she's going to sleep. I didn't even get to say goodnight, dammit. And now I've been crying since she signed off and I have no one to talk to about it because she's the only one I'd talk to about such things and I fucking hate it. fuck fuck fuck fuck.

I started writing an entry last night, except I realized that I really had nothing to say except to bitch about my mom, which is really not something I want to do. 

I've felt really useless the past couple of days. I know it's stupid of me because I've done lots of necessary things. I spent yesterday and today working on college applications and submitted three of them today. As soon as I submitted it, I felt a thousand more times worried than I did before. It's out of my hands now and I can't do anything about it. And I was working on it during a very apathetic stage of my life, so now I'm worrying that I wasn't caring enough when I wrote it. Even so, I can't care that much now. 

I think my writing on here is kind of sucking. I'm trying to get down my thoughts but I don't think they make coherent sense. I don't know.

And yeah, I've been obsessing over the boy. Of course I have.

I've also been watching an insane amount of friends. As in, over 30 episodes. Basically, I have no life.

Do Rachel and Ross end up together at the end? I don't really know. But right now, Ross broke up with his girlfriend because he found out Rachel loves him and he's always loved her. I think that should happen in my life. Actually, I should stop having such a middle school crush.

So, flist. I know pretty much nothing about any of you. So, tell me something about yourself?

 (I swear at some point I'll stop talking about the boy. I generally don't obsess as much, but the return of his girlfriend is not something I enjoy.) I forgot to mention earlier that the boy did not get much sleep again last night. I asked him what time he went to bed, and he asked what qualifies as going to bed. And then he clarified that while he had gotten into his own bed at 3, he had spent three hours "laying in bed" with Laura. They've been dating for over a year. And fuck it, I don't think I'm having an overactive imagination if I assume they're have sex. God fucking dammit. When I was twelve, I looked at him and thought "that is the boy who I will lose my virginity to and we will have no idea what we are doing and it will be awkward and it will be beautiful". And now it won't be true for either one of us. At least if we ever fuck we'll both have experience? I don't want to think about the possibility of him having experience anymore.

I was going to write something about the football game the band played at today (I play percussion), but now it seems frivolous and I'm too depressed to deal with it.

 I forgot how emotionally & intellectually in love with the boy I am. Recently everything in my life has been based on physical relationships, and my thoughts about him had become the same way. Today he asked me for a peer recommendation for a college app, and I fucking swooned. I was so flattered that he would ask me (and not his girlfriend!) and he was so vulnerable when he asked me, which was unusual and adorable. I wonder if when the admission people read my rec they're notice how obviously in love with him I am. 

I decided today that this journal is kind of like when Audrey was my roommate; every night I would tell her details and Important Thoughts about my day. It's a bit harder to type it all out in conversation, so it really only happens now when I see her, which is not nearly as often as I'd like. 

I've been realizing recently that music has become a huge turn on for me. The boy plays the trumpet amazingly, and he has all the important solos in band. There's this one song where he's got a solo for ten measures or so, and I'm supposed to start playing the bells a couple measures afterwards. I'm always late because I just stare at him playing and melt and stop counting. It's really a problem. And today my history teacher played his guitar and sang for us and my god, he was amazing.

All the college kids are coming home for Thanksgiving break, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. The people who came to school today are not really people I like. They used to be my friends, back in sophomore year, but now I'm kind of sick of their existence. (I feel like that's a common theme in my life...) I talked to them for under five minutes and I was bored. I also got coffee with this girl, Elizabeth, who I actually genuinely do like. We spent a long time at Starbucks catching up, but then I was reminded that she's really conservative. She's anti gay marriage and pro life and anti Obama. Generally, this would mean I'd cut her out of my life (really, the anti gay marriage is the only part of that is black and white for me) but I ignore it for some reason, and I don't really know why. Anyway, it was nice to see her. The real downfall to the returning college kids, though, is the boy's girlfriend, Laura. It's awful, because I'm actually very good friends with her. I introduced the two of them, dammit! Both Elizabeth and Audrey have informed me that I should just not be friends with her and push her out of the picture, but she really is one of my favorite people. She's so weird and hilarious and it's so hard to think of them together. Case in point:

Me: God, I so desperately wish I was still in bed.
Boy: Tell me about it. I was barely in bed last night- I didn't go to sleep till 3:30.
Me: Aw, but you always go to bed early. What happened?
Boy: Laura came home last night. So I was hanging out with her until 12 or 12:30 and then had to do all my homework.

And then I died. Not really, but, you know. And once again, the sinking feeling that they're sleeping together is taking over my head. Dammit head! Push it out.

Oh, I had an interesting phone call today as well. I'm an elder at my church (and, yes, I am an atheist. This is a complicated story for another day, but I hate it) and at the meeting last week, the topic of gay marriage came up. I am, of course, most definitely for it, but some other opinions were expressed. I got so upset that I legitimately started shaking and ended up leaving the meeting. I came home and called Audrey immediately after blowing up at my mom about nothing and just started crying and it was awful. Anyway, (my god, I say "anyway" a lot these days) today the minister called to let me know that he does support gay marriage and that no decisions would be made in the church based on who donates the most money. It was very nice of him to do so, and it did make me feel better, but at the same time, I don't want to like him. He's been a royal ass most of the time, and I want to see the world in black and white, dammit! The world should cooperate better.

 I should work on making more friends. I like following people's lives. 

Anyway. I have this friend, Sara, who is, I suppose, my best friend at school. Last year, I could say that without a doubt, but now I'm not so sure. I really relied on her existence last year when I was coming out and I suddenly couldn't feel comfortable around any of my old friends. We very suddenly were very close, and I even had a crush on her. But now... I don't know. Recently I haven't been very pleased with her existence in my life. It's not like she's done anything wrong at all, I just find myself cringing when I'm around her. I can't bring myself to cut off the relationship, though. I spent a good amount of time at the beginning of the school year avoiding her, and then I missed her for a while. So maybe I'll have to do that again.

On a completely different subject, I hooked up with this boy Alex a while back. We don't really see each other all that often, so a lot of our "physical" relationship has taken place via aim. This weekend he informed me we can't be physical because I remind him too much of his ex and he's not over her. Honestly, that's okay, because I'd kind of assumed we wouldn't be again, even if I'd like to. But a few hours before he told me this, we made out a bit. (a bit meaning under five minutes) And my body immediately and involuntarily responded- I started pushing my body up against him and I really really wanted him. He is the only guy that knows exactly what I want and who I know will give it to me. I guess I'll just have to suck it up and get over it. It's really only a physical connection and we'll be friends anyway.